Guitar & Bass Players

• How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  (answer#1): None. They just steal somebody else's light.
  (answer#2): Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
  (answer#3): Ten - One to do the job, and nine whispering "I could have done it faster!"
• How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
  Shoot One.
• How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
  By the Dominos Pizza hat.
• What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
  You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
• How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
  Put some music in front of him.
• How do you know when the stage is level?
  The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
• What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
  Both suck when you plug them in.
• What's the best thing to play on guitar?
  Solitaire.
• What did the guitar player say when he got to the gig?
  "Do you want fries with that?"
• When is it time for a bass solo?
  When drummer and pianist start talking about football.
• Why are there four strings on a bass?
  Three are spares.
• How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
  (answer#1): None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.
  (answer#2): 1...5...1, 1...4...5...5...1.
• What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
  You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
• Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
  Even a virus has some pride.
• What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
  "Pizza!"
• What's the difference between Courtney Love, Wayne Gretzky and a female bass player?
  Gretzky showers after three periods.
• A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."
• How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
  Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Drummers

• How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  (answer#1): None - They have machines that do that.
  (answer#2): 20 - 1 to hold the light bulb, and 19 to drink until the room spins.
  (answer#3): Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
  (answer#4): Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.
  
• Happy hour - A guy gets in a drummer's club - Talks to the barman - "Wanna hear a drummer joke?" The barman looks at him pretty offended and says: "Hey, I AM a drummer, and I don't like drummers jokes - And, see the 7 foot tall guy playing pool? He's my cousin, and he's a drummer too - Also the guy with a knife scar on his face there in the corner ? He's a hell of a drummer - You still want to tell that joke?"
  "Nope" says the guy "I would hate to explain a joke three times."
• What is the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
  They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
• Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car?
  It took two hours to get the drummer out.
• How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
  (answer#1): The knocking speeds up.
  (answer#2): He doesn't know when to come in
• How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
  Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
• What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
  Homeless.
• What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
  "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
• What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger Baker?
  A chiropidist bucks up your feet
• What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
  They both suck without Cream.
• One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
• Why didn't the little drummer boy get into heaven?
  Because he woke the baby for Christ's sake!
• Why to bands need Roadies?
  To translate what the drummer says.
• What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
  You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
• What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
  Put a sheet of music in front of him.
• Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"
• A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet
• over there and that accordian."
  The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
• Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
  Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
• Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
  So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road.
• Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
  So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
• How can you make a drummer slow down?
  Put a sheet of music in front of him.
• How can you make that drummer stop?
  Put notes on it!
• Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
  So they can park in the handicapped spot.
• What's the definition of a gentleman?
  One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.
• Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
  Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.
• What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
  A drummer.
• How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
  You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
• A man dies and goes to Heaven. Unlike he had expected, Heaven is essentially a really long hallway with doors on either side, each with a short IQ range listed on it. Inside, he learns, the rooms are perfectly tailored so that the conversation will match the intelligence of the people in them.
  He opens the 170 door. "Well," comes the conversation inside, "I've always found Fourier transforms to be a rather limited way of interconverting what are fundamentally..."
  SLAM. Too rich for him. He heads down the hall a bit to the 115 zone and opens the door. "I just read 'Generation X'," comes a voice, "and though Coupland doesn't do too badly in identifying his generation's fundamental angst, I was a bit confused by..."
  SLAM. Not bad, but now the man was getting curious, and wanted to see what was further down the scale. He tries 95. "Hey, did you read the paper today? Says interest rates will go up again..."
  SLAM. How about 60? "Huh. Thought 'Married With Children' last night was pretty funny. Didn't get the bit about the hooters, though..."
  SLAM. It was getting pretty bad. He tried 35. The people inside were looking at one another and drooling. Finally, he came to the one marked with a 10. He hesitated, fearing what he would see when he opened the door. But he did, seeing only two guys inside.
  "So," one said to the other, "what size sticks do you use?"
• What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
  You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
• Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
  You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

Band/Orchestra

• What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
  Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
• How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
  One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.
• What's the definition of a "half step?"
  Two oboes playing in unison.
• How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
  Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
• Why did the chicken cross the road?
  To get away from the bassoon recital.
• Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
  The bassoon burns longer.
• What is a burning oboe good for?
  Setting a bassoon on fire.
• How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
  One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.
• What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
  A cello burns longer.
• How do you get a second violist to perform with a nice, large vibrato?
  Write "SOLO" on the music he's reading.
• What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
  The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
• How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
  Sell it and buy a violin.
• What's the definition of a minor second?
  Two flutists playing in unison.
• Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
  The other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife!"
• What's the difference between a trumpet player and a a horses ass?
  I don't know either.
• How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
  Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
• How do yo make a trombone player drive faster?
  Take the pizza sign off his car.
• What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombone player in the road?
  The snake has skide marks in front of it.
• If you approach a snake in the road and a trombone player in the road, which should you avoid?
  The snake, because it might be going to a gig.
• Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
  Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out of it.
• How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
• You know you're kissing a French horn player when his lips are in the right place but his hand is up your ass.
• How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
  Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Other Instruments

• What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
  If you put both on Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.
• What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
  The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
• What's an accordion good for?
  Learning how to fold maps.
• What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?
  An optimist.
• Accordion player parks his car. Puts his ax in the back seat. Carefully locks his car. Goes into the bar and has a drink. Hears the noise of breaking glass outside. Runs out to check his car. The window is broken in his car. He runs over to look for his accordion on the back seat and finds two accordions.
• Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
  To get away from the noise.
• What's the best way to play a banjo?
  With a hack saw.
• What's the least used sentence in the English language?
  "Is that the banjo player's Porsche?"
• What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
  Will the defendant please rise.
• What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
  A chain saw has greater dynamic range.
• What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
  No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
• Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
  Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
• What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
  A flat miner.
• What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
  A flat major.
• Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
  It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
• Why was the piano invented?
  So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Musicians/Music

• How do you know a singer is at your door?
  (answer#1): She can't find the key
  (answer#2): She doesn't know when to come in
• The first thing a female singer does in the morning after her gig?
  Dresses up and goes home!
• What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
  A mutual fund matures and makes money.
• What do you get when you sing a country song backwards?
  Your get your wife and your job back.
• What does new age music sound like played backwards?
  New age music.

If you've heard any good jokes you want to share, e-mail them to me. If they're good, I'll add them to this page.